The Amber Waves of Processed Cheese

Ok, I feel the time has come for me to attempt to tell you about my trip to the USA. The journeys both there and back were hellish, but you can read about them in the two posts below. 

Needless to say, the past three weeks have been the best of my life, and I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to manage to fit this rant into an acceptable length. But let’s see how I go, it might be too long.. Before I go any further, here’s the deal: I was on tour with two bands from NZ, The Outsiders and Freddy Fudd Pucker. Both these bands include two of my big brothers and four of my favourite people in the world. We drove the entire way in a 1986 Chevy van, the “Good Time’s” model. I kid you not.  That is the official model name of the van. (UPDATE: Good Times has died a sad mechanical death as of 12/11/11 and the guys are stuck in Wyoming with no money and no way to get anywhere! If you want to help you can go here and buy their album!)

So, the delirium began in Manhattan, New York, with slices of pizza and then a show (as in a gig the bands were playing) just off Broadway at The Studio at Webster Hall, with two other bands, Cobra Skulls and Nothington, with whom we would cross paths several times in the coming weeks. I had been travelling for around 90 hours at this point so was a mere puddle of a person, but I managed to pull it together and drink a lot of coffee and beer. The night ended in Rosemary’s Bar in Brooklyn, drinking gigantic $4 beers and then me passing out asleep in the back of the van with one of my brothers, parked outside a friends’ apartment.

Three for the Wonderwheel

The next day it was time to eat New York bagels and go to Coney Island. Stu, Kitt and I set off on the subway. We immediately realised we were heading in the wrong direction and had to get off and pay to get back on again which was a bit of a bummer but ah well. Coney Island was awesome! The Wonderwheel was everything I had hoped it would be and more, and it was pretty cool to see the place The Warriors call home. I loved the people watching, so many Orthodox Jews everywhere, which, as most of you know, I’m pretty into. After a little nap on the boardwalk, all too soon it was time to head back to Brooklyn and pack into Gordie Good Times to head to Philadelphia. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that the Fresh Prince theme song was sung relentlessly during this drive, but I just did so there you go. This show was good, but I was too tired to comprehend what was going on, so as soon as I could I fell asleep in the back of the van again. 

Richmond, Virginia

The next morning it was off to Richmond, Virginia, via Baltimore, Maryland and Washington, D.C. This was also an excellent show, and we got put up by the nicest guy ever (the millionth of many) who cooked us the most nutritious meal any of us had eaten in a long time. We struck up a conversation with a guy at the bar who’s daughters cousin is Terence Trent D'arby, that was a little bit awesome. There was also the most amazing Great Dane there named Louie. He was gigantic. I’d forgotten how fantastic it is to be able to pat dogs, because the ones here are all scody and flea and mange riddled.  Anyway, moving on. The next hazy day we went down to check out Occupy Richmond. It was really amazing seeing the movement in action. These people are serious about what they are doing and what is going on in the world. And they are totally right. It is time for change in this world. It was really inspiring seeing signs in shop windows all over the country saying “We Support Occupy (insert city here)”. Unfortunately we couldn’t hang around for too long as we had to drive to Norfolk, Virginia for the show that night.

In Norfolk, I unfortunately had a melt down and had to go sleep in the van again. The jet lag hit me so badly, it sucked. But from what I was told the show was great and everyone loved the guys. By the time we went back to the house we were staying at I had my second wind and was ready to drink some beers and talk some trash. Once again, the nicest people in the world were giving us their home to stink up.

The next day we went to Virginia Beach. It was a shithole. That’s all there is to it. Highly disappointing. By this time, there were several team members on the brink of a mental breakdown. Long drives, sleeping on floors, relentless drinking and low-grade food were taking their toll. Oh, I don’t think I’ve mentioned that the others had been on tour like this for 4 weeks already. So that night we made the big decision to splash out $50 on a dive motel in Emporia, North Carolina. We couldn’t afford for everyone to have somewhere to sleep, so we got a room with two double beds and snuck the extra three people in. With two to a bed, one on the floor and two in the van, we had a much needed semi-good nights’ sleep. We slept late and missed the free breakfast, so it was off to yet another Waffle House with us for yet another unhealthy stack of hash browns. Delicious. I love diners. This day we were headed to Durham, North Carolina to meet up with the two bands we’d played with in NYC. We had some time up our sleeves, so we took some really beautiful back roads. We ended up at Fall’s Lake, which was very pretty, if rather grubby. 

Team Gordie Good Times

Then it was on to Durham. This was a particularly good night. The show was at a really cool venue, and we were got to see our friends’ bands play again. This night involved some good shenanigans, but as this is somewhat of a PG 13 version of events, I can’t really go into detail. Let’s just say there was a significant amount of beers and cheap malt liquor. So many, in fact, that the next day I was still drunk and this was when I got my perm. 

Ah the perm. The biggest waste of money to date. This thing is the mid-90’s love / bane of my life. It was ok when I was still in the USA, but now that I’m back in humidity-land. Well, I’m sure you can imagine. The motivation for the perm was peer pressure from Sarah, who has had one for about the past 9 months. Hers is great. And so is mine, we just have very different hair. Oh the perm. 

Great Smokey Mountains

So, it was with a head smelling of farty perm solution that we headed down the road to Creedsmore, North Carolina, as we had been invited to play at a party being held by friends of the people we’d crashed with the night before. This was a particularly good night. The hosts were the most welcoming and wonderful people in the world (yet again), and plied us with booze, delicious food and a cornucopia of good times, including the sacrificial burning of a wedding dress from the previous marriage of a woman that had just married into the family. The burning was going on while Tom and Sarah (Freddy Fudd Pucker) were playing songs to us all around the camp / wedding dress fire. It was a very good time indeed. The next day after a big delicious breakfast from our delightful hosts, and a lot of huffing of their helium balloons and singing of Roy Orbison songs, we headed into the Great Smokey Mountains, which are part of the Appalachian Mountains. Wow. This was an incredible drive. It’s Autumn in the US at the moment, so the colours were breathtaking. We stopped off for a picnic lunch at some beautiful falls, there were signs everywhere warning us to look out for bears, but alas, we didn’t get to see any. I was sad about it. This drive took us to Newport, Tennessee, and as we had no show and therefore nowhere to stay that night, we forked out another $50 for a truckers Best Western. This one had a semen-tank of a hot tub in its pool area which was both a treat and terrifying all at the same time.

Permtastic Waffle House

The next day we were keen to go to Dollywood on our way to Knoxville, Tennessee, but as no one had any money, Dolly Parton-land will just have to wait until next time I’m in the area. Knoxville was a bit of a crappy place. A total college town with cheerleaders and douchey looking guys strutting around. But the show was awesome, it was in a Saloon and when the guy behind the bar ran out of .75c beers for us, he let us go to the liquor store and buy our own to sneakily drink as he didn’t want to rip us off with full priced beers. Oh the hospitality. It was unfortunate that this show ended with the most horrible display of American culture we’d yet to come across: some dickhead that started laughing at us because the NZ police don’t carry guns. He then went on to rant about how he has 12 guns at home. When we asked why he just started yelling about the fact that it’s his constitutional right, that’s why. Then he started throwing the N-word around and it was time to get the hell out of there. So it was back to a new friend’s place for a wild Taco Bell party and passing out on yet another floor. 

Heavy Petty!

The next day we headed to Atlanta, Georgia. This was a strange show, as there was two other completely awesome bands playing across town, so we didn’t get many of the type of people that would usually come to one of our shows. It was still a great night though, made all the better by the fact that the bar tender was hilariously drunk, and they had a ping pong table, one of the only games I’m good at. The next day we were in Jacksonville, Florida. On the way we had a tire blow-out, which Tom managed to deal with like an expert, avoiding certain death by rolling had it been me driving. After a tyre-change as quick as some kind of race car pit stop crew, we were in Jacksonville. This was a good show, and a really fun night that ended with me and Dave drinking free Four Loco and being very messy drunks. A good time was had by all I would say. We decided not to stay in Jacksonville that night, but to push on to Gainesville, only 1 ½ hours away as that’s where we were going to be based for the next 5 days or so due to the greatest music festival of all time....

 

  

The best pool party

FEST 10! This was hands down the best weekend of my life to date. A very big call, I know. But true none the less. Imagine if you had a town that emptied out its college frat boys and sorority girls for one weekend a year to make way for 5000 fun-loving, beer-swigging, peace-promoting punks to overrun it. Throw in over 200 bands and 10 venues, dozens of tents in several people’s backyards, all your new best friends and all the $1 PBR’s you can drink, and that’s Fest. The greatest time and place on earth. Highlights of the weekend for me were most definitely the pool party at the Holiday Inn after registration that started off the weekend, Against Me!, and dancing more or less topless with my brothers to Heavy Petty, the Tom Petty tribute band that closed the festival. Oh Fest. How I miss you so. For those of you that care, here are just some of the incredible bands I saw: Smoke or Fire, Dead to Me, Cobra Skulls, The Dopamines, Teenage Bottlerocket (who played Ramones, Lillingtons and Bad Religion covers!), Off With Their Heads, Samiam, Against Me!, Nothington, Lemuria, Spanish Gamble, Dillinger Four, A Wilhelm Scream, The Flatliners, Mikey Erg and Banner Pilot. And that’s just some of them. It was like 20 years worth of awesome bands coming to NZ in just one weekend. There are a lot of very good stories about Fest that unfortunately cannot be told in this PG 13 space, but when we next see each other, boy have I got some treats for you.

The best photo ever taken. Without question.

Who's legs?

So it was with a heavy and very hungover and scragged out heart that on Monday morning we tried to pull ourselves together to get back on the road as we had another show in Atlanta, Georgia that night. But, Gordie Good Times did not want us to leave either, so he was towed to the auto-shop and us to the liquor store. It was Halloween today. Or, as I like to call it now, Clownoween. Sarah had been carrying around a bag of clown make up for nearly a month waiting for the perfect opportunity to arise. And what better time than in some guys back yard, on Halloween, with a bunch of new best friends that also didn’t want the party to be over. Within about 4 hours we were all very drunk and there were about 25 terrifying clowns kicking about in the backyard playing frisbee with Louis the dog, singing badly around a campfire, carving festive gourds, letting off fireworks and being fed by the manager of the Ramones Museum in Berlin (who had Kiss clown make-up on), who was there with an official photographer to document the festival, the bands (us?) and the general good times for one of Germany's biggest music magazines. Hmm. This random and unplanned night turned into one of the highlights of the whole three weeks away. I think the fact that Sarah, a new friend, and I found a secret and incredibly plush secret bed to sleep in topped the night off. After 4 nights sleeping on the hard Florida ground in a tent with no bed rolls, this was a huge treat. 

The Gulf!

Finally it was time to say goodbye to Gainesville. Today we were off to Hattiesburg , Mississippi, via Pensacola Beach, Florida and Alabama. I can now tick “swim in the Gulf of Mexico” off my bucket list. It was awesome. 

Hattiesburg was a house party, and I hate to say it, but I was partied out. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. The 12 nights or so in a row of heavy drinking were catching up on me, so it was back in the van for some sleep for me. The next day I was told it was a wild party and I totally missed out. Oh well. Next, onto Houma, Louisiana, via New Orleans. New Orleans is a very cool place. And driving in and out of there is insane. All swampy, with drippy trees everywhere. Unfortunately we only had a couple of hours to look around New Orleans, but they were a good couple of hours that’s for sure. We went down to the French Quarter, it’s full of musicians, voodoo stores, palm readers, curly tall buildings, cobble stones and horses and carts. A whole different world.

Sassy Pickles

Houma, Louisiana was an excellent time. We stayed with some good friends the guys made last year when they were there. I have to say that the Louisiana accents are basically the coolest in the world. So long and drawn out, and everything ends with “hun” or “baby” I loved it! That and the fact that out the back of the venue there was a 5ft gator living in the bayou. Many an hour was spent staring at the water in the dark convincing ourselves we’d seen him. We spent two nights in Houma, and during the day in the middle we all had the first shower and underpants change we’d had in between 4-9 days. There was also laundry done. It was a real treat, let me tell you. The second night there was Ladies Night at the bar we were playing at (the same one as the night before) so Sarah, Jo and I pulled out the red lipstick and fluffed our perms and got free drinks all night. The stroke of midnight marked Tom’s birthday. Sarah and I had concocted him a birthday bag full of trash from the gas station, trash we found in the van and some of his own belongings we stole from his bag, including an infamous pair of pool ball underpants. He was a very happy boy. 

After Houma we had a very long drive ahead of us to Austin, Texas, Sarah’s home town. This was a rough drive filled with birthday sassy pickles, incredibly urgent pee stops and me starting to get emotional and anxious as I was leaving in two days. We finally made it to Austin by about 9pm, and it was fantastic to finally get to meet Sarah’s family, who plied us with much needed beers and tacos. Stu, Tom, Sarah, Kitt and I then headed down the road to a real-life cowboy bar. It was amazing. They weren’t playing dress-ups, they were really wearing those hats and boots and belt buckles. Kitt and I danced a little to the live band, but I can’t two-step so we weren’t nearly as good as the locals. Then it was on to Tom and Sarah’s favourite bar in Austin for some pool and to wait for our friend that was going to stay with us that night, to finish his show with his band. We eventually scooped him up and went back to Sarah’s for more tacos and very many more beers. Finally at around 5am it was time for bed. This was the first time and of us had our own beds in a long time, and it was all too strange, so we all ended up furiously spooning in one bed. It gets lonely sleeping alone when you’re used to having at least two others crammed in there with you. 

A big 'ol bag of birthday trash

And finally, my last day with the team had arrived. I was pretty anxious and freaked out and emotional this day as I didn’t know whether the flooding in Thailand was going to let me get home or not. Plus, I just plain didn’t want to leave. Eventually, the time came, and you can read about that here if you want. It sucked and I cried like the little baby I am.

Being in the USA was a very strange experience. I’ve only skimmed the surface of what I want to tell you all. But this is already far too long. So here’s one more quick observation: remember Styrofoam? Yeah, I’d forgotten it existed too. Not so in the USA. Everywhere you go people are using it. It’s disgusting. You eat in a diner and they will serve you on disposable Styrofoam plates. Bizarre. 

Van Living

So these were the best three weeks of my life. All the above is interwoven with the best times ever. Stolen condiments from fast food outlets, borderline malnutrition due to being poor, near-miss nervous breakdowns, an inability to stay awake in the back seat of the van due to the stifling heat and the fact that only two windows up front open and there’s no a/c. Sleeping on floors night after night, not showering for days on end and wearing the same clothes during the day that you slept in the night before and the night before that. Zero personal space. My favourite people in the world and all the incredible new best friends I made along the way that I am devastated I’ll probably never see again.

My first day back here in Mae Sot was a bit of a mind warp. I experienced some pretty serious culture shock: I went into the Clinic to say hi and the first thing my friend said as she rushed out the door was “a baby just died in my arms I’m going to buy some smokes”. When I came back outside someone had spat all over my shoes and there was a baby peeing on my feet. Reality hit me pretty hard. As did the jetlag and borderline homesickness. I’m feeling much better now, but I’ve just realised that I only have six weeks left here now, and that doesn’t seem like long enough. So now I need to do some serious thinking about how the hell I am going to make it back here in February. Even though I’m struggling to figure out what the hell has just happened in the past three weeks and how that fits in with the completely weird life I live over here, I’m not ready to leave these people or this place and I’m not quite sure what to do about it.

There is so much more I can tell you, so if you want to know, just ask...you know how I like to talk.